A Parent Without Children

I opened up the commenting to anyone who wants to comment annonymously - I'll be moderating the comments though.

Before I write Part 4 - I wanted to talk about what it was like living as a parent but without children.

Around the time we lost our first pregnancy, we started living like parents. I can't explain why it happened - but I started doing things like going to bed earlier, coming straight home after work, hanging out with couples that had children, stopped going out to the bar, having a stable career, steady income, and just general long term planning. I even bought RRSPs!

However at the end of a work day, I came home to my wife and no one else. No son or daughter greeting me at the door, no child to tattle to me about what mom made them do - it was just my wife and I. Our home was a small 900sq ft home which was crowded with lots of Ikea furniture. To me though, it had never felt so empty.

I found that on some days, I could close my eyes and imagine teaching my son how to ride a bicycle, putting a band-aid on his leg when he fell or walking my daughter down the aisle at her wedding. I could even imagine the not so pretty moments, stepping on toys, yelling at my kids in the car to stop fighting (or i'd threaten to leave them on the side of the road - an empty threat of course), my son or daughter telling me that I had "ruined their life" and of course, intimidating the first boy my daughter brought home.

Reality was far from those daydreams. First of all, I'm not very intimidating (even the asian gangster stereotype would not apply to me). Secondly, the part that still brings back painful memories of those times, I had no living children.

There were moments where I tried to break the cycle. I bought the car I had wanted - a Subaru WRX STI. For those who have no idea what it is - it is a complete rice rocket. From the factory, it had a giant wing on the back, a big hood scoop and absolutely everything about it said "boy racer with no children".

However, I could never recover that innocence I had before losing our first pregnancy. Eventually, I decided I didn't want the car anymore because it didn't fit who I had become. I wanted to sell it and get something that I could start a family with. I traded it in my boy racer car for a crew cab pickup truck. Yes, I am not joking. I was an asian driver in a pickup truck. I'll throw it out there for those that are thinking it but afraid to say it : asian + pickup truck = the only way this combination could get worse is adding the word "old" infront of it.

I was back to preparing for a family - trying to ignore the cruel fact that we may never have our own children.

Most men in their late teens will say they never want to have their own children - ever. I'm sure I said that at some point. After our second loss, I envied the men for whom that choice can be easily changed.

When I was in my late teens, I read a column about surviving the loss of your child. These words stood out for me: No parent wants to outlive their child.

By the time my wife and I had our first appointment at the RFP, I had outlived 3 of mine.