It's been about a week since I wrote something. I've been thinking about how to go over and explain our results from the blood tests. Sorry, this one might be a bit 'clinical'.
Up to our 4th loss, I had always assumed something was wrong with my wife. I couldn't help it - my wife's GP said to her "since you actually get pregnant, it can't be your husband".
One of the first tests they did was testing for thyroid antibodies. She tested positive for thyroid antibodies - how she dumbed it down for me was, "my immune system is stupid and is attacking my thyroid". The RFP was absolutely 100% convinced this was the problem. They immediately jumped on that and suggested my wife have her thyroid removed and go on medication.
I thought it was a bit drastic and sudden. In my line of work, I learned not to be impulsive and to consider things through. When you guys are shopping for your TV or a new car, no one likes being pushed / rushed into a big decision like that. This was quite a major decision and it felt to me like they were pushing it the same way a sleazy used car dealer would. I had this feeling that it was something else. However i'm not a doctor let along a fertility specialist (other than sex - not to toot my own horn but im good at that).
In the end, the RFP was wrong. It's amazing that I can I remember how what was going on that day (considering it was 3 years ago). They had actually faxed a copy of the blood tests. At work that day, I was researching a DSLR camera for my wife. She was looking at a Nikon camera so I did some research and got some special pricing for it. I knew she wanted to get into something to take her mind off of our losses. I had done the same, I had actually picked up a hobby/sport called Airsoft (I called it cowboys and indians for adults). When I got home and suggested we go out for dinner, she said to me - "I know why we are having problems. I don't think you'll want to go out for dinner".
The problem was with me. My throat felt like someone was squeezing it, my stomach felt all knotted up, and I just wanted to scream but couldnt even make the sound. We are not suffering from infertility, but I probably at that moment felt the same way as a guy who was infertile felt - helpless, useless. It is the most basic human desire to have kids - dare I say it, it's probably one of the reasons why most of us are here today. If I couldn't fulfil that need, then what good was I? Would my wife still love me? Would she decide to leave me for someone else? Well I'm a problem solver - so the #1 thing for me was find out all the information about this and how could I fix it?.
I quickly read through the letter - it was about karotyping. Basically after typing "karyotyping" into google, I found out they mapped the structure of my chromosomes.
I thought back to her GP. I was so mad at him for putting the blame completely on my wife when in fact it was me the whole time.
We had an appointment at a geneticist - in the same building as the RFP. The waiting room was a lot smaller and there were no people waiting. No sign that said 'abuse will not be tolerated' though I wasn't going to push it. Of all the doctor's and specialists i've met - this guy was different. He laid it out exactly how it was, no sugar coating, no pushing us to make decisions - just told it how it was. He was not cold about it and in fact was nice about it. We talked a bit about what we did for a living/where we lived etc.
It's a lot easier to understand what is going on when you're not on guard. After what the RFP was like, it always seemed like you were being put down or looked down on. At the geneicist the attitude in the office was actually quite positive (despite the bad news).
The problem with me: a reciprocal balanced translocation of chromosomes 3 and 11 (a very long arm on 3 and a shorter arm on 11). He gave me a good explanation with diagrams and it made perfect sense at the time. Putting it down on text now was difficult - here's how my wife explained it to me the other night :
My wife and I both had a book on how to build a human - 46 pages each (46 chromosomes). Sperm and egg only carry 23 pages and together, you combine the pages from each person to build a human with 46 chromosomes total. However my problem was a translocation of part of page 3 and 11. So basically, a large part of page 3, and a small part of page 11 were swapped.
With sperm (or egg), they only carry half of the chromomes (they're actually split in half). So depending on how the split happened of the 23 pages i'm delivering, my page 3 or page 11 may :
1) be missing significant amount of information. (50% of the time)
2) be completely normal (25% of the time)
3) have the information complete just parts of page 3 and 11 are in the wrong order (25% of the time)
3 is me. I have a complete page 3 and 11, just the text is in the wrong order. When it comes to making a human, apparently I fail 50% of the time, 25% of the time I get my instructions in the wrong order (but fortunately whoever is reading the instructions can figure it out) and 25% of the time I pass.
The geneticist explained that page 3 (the 3rd chromosone pair) is one of the largest and if any information was missing, you couldn't build a human.
That is why we had so many losses. It also explained why our losses were so early too - if a significant portion of 3 was missing, a pregnancy would not move beyond the cellular stage.
So what about the problem solver in me? I was completely helpless as it was happening at a genetic level. There is no treatment, no pills, no therapy - they can't change my DNA. Our chances of a baby were 50% of what every other normal couple's chances. It was a simple cold hard statistic. However, it gave me closure - I knew where we stood.
His suggestion to us (we did not go back to the RFP after this appointment):
1) IVF. They just implant a bunch of embryos and hope that some of them work. The downside, it costs and arm and a leg (can be easily over $20000 each time!!!!!!!!) and there were no guarantees that the sperm used from me wouldn't be the 'dumb missing information' sperm.
2) Keep on 'plugging away'. Statistically, we would eventually get a good pregnancy. The downside, we will lose more pregnancies and our situation will never change.
At that point in our lives, we chose option 2. Not only because financiallywe couldn't afford IVF, but sex is a lot more enjoyable than jerking into a cup / having a needle stuck into your ovaries.
Additionally, we looked at other options - first and foremost we decided adoption over IVF. I will elaborate on our trials and tribulations with that at another time. Needless to say though, unless you are adopting a ward of the state, adoption is not simply picking up a phone to some agency and them bringing a child to your door. You may be waiting forever and may never get a child through local adoption.
The story does not end here however... I once again tried to convince my wife to stop charting, stop 'trying' for kids and just let it happen. Well, she still charted. We could not get a pregnancy at all for about 4 months.
Finally, she gave up. I had a work trip and they sent me down to Scottsdale. I decided to bring my wife with me - to get away for a bit. We partied, she thought her period was coming on, we partied some more.
We got home on a Sunday night in November. When I got home, I went to the computer and was entering in notes from my work trip. My wife came down 10 minutes later - she put a pregnancy test infront of me. She was pregnant.
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