What is the role of a husband and father to be? Too bad ladies, there is no such magic one-size-fits-all answer. It's different for everyone and it depends on the perspective. For me during that time, it was to provide support for my wife in whatever she did regardless of how I felt. With our recurrent loss, I always had to be the strong husband for her, show no weakness and had to carefully deflect questions.
The hardest were questions from friends and family who didn't know about our loss. The hardest question for my wife to answer was "When are you having children?". C'mon, I had to be nice to friends and family. Regardless of how I felt, no one was intending to be hurtful and malicious.
I would answer for her so she didn't have to be fake about it, "We're enjoying being married first before we have children". For all my friends and family who I said that to - I'm sorry. My wife absolutely hates lying to people so I had to do it for her.
I do recall at least once I said, "well, we've lost 2 pregnancies - thanks for asking". Naturally, my response made that person feel like a complete douche for asking (if you're reading this - sorry). To me, that question is now in the 'taboo' list along with "How many months pregnant are you?" (you said this and you know who you are!!)
Of course, no one can handle that responsibility indefinately. Guys, there are certain things you can handle better than other things. For example, some guys can deal with people who cut them off on the road better than others. Yep, some of us road rage and some of us are the ones that cause the road rage. The recurrent pregnancy loss was my road rage.
This is the hard part for me to admit - especially since I know that my friends and family may be reading this. I was starting to become negative in day to day things. I was more irritable, had a short fuse, and I stopped taking care of myself. By that I meant I was not eating right, I slept poorly, I was eating less meals a day at irregular times, and I found myself drinking a lot. I got into a huge fight with my wife - the only one we've ever had that I would dare say put us close to seperating. The lightbulb came on in my head - I was suffering from depression. That however is another topic which I will save for another time. To continue on...
I don't recall all the tests we had to do - my wife had a whole bunch of tests she had to do. I had only a single blood test. I know I know, I had talked about an SA (jerking into a cup as I called it), but alas, I never did get that test.
My wife had been charting her cycles - planning around what days we should "baby dance". Apparently, that's her wedding forum's term for sex. Personally, I felt like all the planning and pregnancy tests kind of took away from the experience - not to mention "baby dance" sounded like a video that should be on America's Funniest Home Videos. Not saying it wasn't enjoyable, but the planning had made sex more like a chore. Still, no red blooded straight guy is going to turn down sex from his hot wife!
I found the best way to not make it feel like a chore was to not ask. I never asked what months we'd be trying. I only 'guessed' when I'd get laid a lot - I mean a LOT in the span of a week. There were days when I had a headache...
I had asked my wife not to chart before the 4th pregnancy, but she did anyway. She found out she was pregnant around the first week in May 2007. This one was different for us - we had some hope since we've been to the clinic. My wife did blood tests every few days to monitor HCG levels. Again, I had no idea what an HCG was. Back then I had not discovered wikipedia. I still have no idea what an HCG beta is today, however I learned that for a normal pregnancy, HCG levels are supposed to double every 48-72 hrs.
Blood test, wait a few days for the HCG levels, call the RFP to remind them you still want them, blood test, wait a few more days for HCG levels, call the RFP to remind them you still want them. Lather, rinse, repeat as required. Hope the RFP doesn't call you early because that usually means bad news
We lost that pregnancy on Mothers Day 2007. It was quite easily the worst Mother's Day for my wife. Once again, around my birthday. Birthday's haven't been quite the same for me. It's hard to celebrate my life considering that we lost 2 around my birthday.
Next update: some results of the blood tests and a reason why we lost so many pregnancies (maybe... I might put another small blurb in between first)
I want to thank you so much for your blog. We just went through our 4th loss (trying for baby #2) and are both having a hard time with it. We too are at a fertility clinic and are now starting to do the more intensive testing. Your words are really speaking to me and I thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your losses. I've become familiar with your wife's story due to "that wedding forum" and it's just not fair.
ReplyDeleteWishing you the best, and keep at this fantastic blog. I'll be forwarding it to a few friends if that's ok with you.
Thanks for your comments - Please feel free to pass it on to as many people as you wish.
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