I opened up the commenting to anyone who wants to comment annonymously - I'll be moderating the comments though.
Before I write Part 4 - I wanted to talk about what it was like living as a parent but without children.
Around the time we lost our first pregnancy, we started living like parents. I can't explain why it happened - but I started doing things like going to bed earlier, coming straight home after work, hanging out with couples that had children, stopped going out to the bar, having a stable career, steady income, and just general long term planning. I even bought RRSPs!
However at the end of a work day, I came home to my wife and no one else. No son or daughter greeting me at the door, no child to tattle to me about what mom made them do - it was just my wife and I. Our home was a small 900sq ft home which was crowded with lots of Ikea furniture. To me though, it had never felt so empty.
I found that on some days, I could close my eyes and imagine teaching my son how to ride a bicycle, putting a band-aid on his leg when he fell or walking my daughter down the aisle at her wedding. I could even imagine the not so pretty moments, stepping on toys, yelling at my kids in the car to stop fighting (or i'd threaten to leave them on the side of the road - an empty threat of course), my son or daughter telling me that I had "ruined their life" and of course, intimidating the first boy my daughter brought home.
Reality was far from those daydreams. First of all, I'm not very intimidating (even the asian gangster stereotype would not apply to me). Secondly, the part that still brings back painful memories of those times, I had no living children.
There were moments where I tried to break the cycle. I bought the car I had wanted - a Subaru WRX STI. For those who have no idea what it is - it is a complete rice rocket. From the factory, it had a giant wing on the back, a big hood scoop and absolutely everything about it said "boy racer with no children".
However, I could never recover that innocence I had before losing our first pregnancy. Eventually, I decided I didn't want the car anymore because it didn't fit who I had become. I wanted to sell it and get something that I could start a family with. I traded it in my boy racer car for a crew cab pickup truck. Yes, I am not joking. I was an asian driver in a pickup truck. I'll throw it out there for those that are thinking it but afraid to say it : asian + pickup truck = the only way this combination could get worse is adding the word "old" infront of it.
I was back to preparing for a family - trying to ignore the cruel fact that we may never have our own children.
Most men in their late teens will say they never want to have their own children - ever. I'm sure I said that at some point. After our second loss, I envied the men for whom that choice can be easily changed.
When I was in my late teens, I read a column about surviving the loss of your child. These words stood out for me: No parent wants to outlive their child.
By the time my wife and I had our first appointment at the RFP, I had outlived 3 of mine.
Showing posts with label RFP. Show all posts
Showing posts with label RFP. Show all posts
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Progesterone and Peanuts!!
This is a humourous incident... again, my verbal filter was set quite low.
My wife was prescribed progesterone suppositories during our 4th pregnancy - the RFP faxed the prescription over to the drug store of our choice. On our way to the drug store I asked my wife, "A suppository? How does sticking this thing up your butt help?" to which she laughed and replied, "No dear, it's not that kind of suppository. They go in the 'other hole'".
We got to the drug store - the pharmacist was a younger east Indian male. We lived in a predominantly east Indian community in Calgary at this time. He spoke with the typical east Indian accent you would expect.
He took our information, looked at the prescription and asked my wife, "Are you alergic to penis?" My reply, after giggling like a school girl for a minute, "Excuse me? I'm pretty sure we don't have that problem".
Before you ladies and gents judge me, remember that I knew nothing about this. Maybe there really was a penis alergy and that's why some couples can't conceive?
Just like at the clinic, my wife leaned over and whispered to me, "Peanuts."
My wife was prescribed progesterone suppositories during our 4th pregnancy - the RFP faxed the prescription over to the drug store of our choice. On our way to the drug store I asked my wife, "A suppository? How does sticking this thing up your butt help?" to which she laughed and replied, "No dear, it's not that kind of suppository. They go in the 'other hole'".
We got to the drug store - the pharmacist was a younger east Indian male. We lived in a predominantly east Indian community in Calgary at this time. He spoke with the typical east Indian accent you would expect.
He took our information, looked at the prescription and asked my wife, "Are you alergic to penis?" My reply, after giggling like a school girl for a minute, "Excuse me? I'm pretty sure we don't have that problem".
Before you ladies and gents judge me, remember that I knew nothing about this. Maybe there really was a penis alergy and that's why some couples can't conceive?
Just like at the clinic, my wife leaned over and whispered to me, "Peanuts."
RPL - A Father's Experience (Part 3)
So now, we're into my experiences from 2007. Most of us remember events like - the Writers Guild Strike, death of Boris Yelstin, Calgary Flames not making it passed round 1 of the playoffs, and Chris Benoit killing his family. To me, the start of the year was with a painful reminder - the due date for our first pregnancy was Jan 1, 2007.
That Chris Benoit incident stirs up a painful reminder, for those of us that suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss, it is painful to watch someone else take their children for granted. On one extreme you have watching the news and hearing about someone who has murdered their own children while on the other end, you may be out at the grocery store and you see a parent yelling at their children.
Guys, think about it like this - you long for the Ferrari you think you will never have. You can close your eyes and feel the wind blowing in your hair and the sound of the engine at red line before you shift. Then you see someone who has one that clearly doesn't give a damn about it - the car has scratches on it, the owner has let it get dirty or you see a picture of a car cruasher destroying one.
That's sort of how it feels to watch when a parent loses patience with their children in public, or hearing about a parent who murders his children. The envy for people who can have kids with the anger that someone would do something so heinous to what you can't have overwhelms and even now can bring me to tears.
Anyway, back to the Regional Fertility Program of Calgary (RFP). The appointment for the RFP did not take nearly as long as they said it did. I remember a few details leading up to our appointment. The anxiety was almost overwhelming for me. Finally, someone is actually going to do something. Someone is going to understand. We're going to know why this is happening and plan so we can make sure it doesn't happen to us again.
It took about 3 months - our first appointment at the clinic was an eye opener.
1) There is hope - the wall of the clinic is lined with photos of the babies that their patients have had.
2) This happens to a lot of people. The clinic was incredibly full. There were well over 10 couples in the clinic at the same time as us.
Aside from that, the first appointment was a let down for me. The waiting room and exam room had posters and brochures for IVF like it was the equivalent to GM's "employee pricing event". There were unattended children's toys, parenting magazines, pregnancy tests in a kiosk for sale, and a sign that said "ABUSE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED". Apparently, recurrent pregnancy loss people like us lose their patience and abuse the staff. I had mixed feelings about the environment - they were trying to give us a sense of hope, however they could also be giving false hope to some couples. It was a sobering thought.
We met with a nice doctor - one of the first questions I had was "Do you have children?" to which the doctor replied no. Well, there goes the 'someone finally cares' idea was how I felt.
The doctor really didn't tell us anything the internet had not already did - this happens to a lot of people, we're going to have to get blood tests, April would need more tests than me and they're going to need to do an SA. I had no idea what an SA was and it was quite clear. My wife leaned over and whispered "Sperm Analysis" to me. For anyone that knows me, they know my verbal filter is almost always set to ZERO. I remember saying "Awesome! I get to jerk off into a cup!" to which the doctor replied curtly, "yes".
We received our lab requisitions and made another appointment to come back, paid the ridiculous $10 parking and went home. At this point, I was hopeful but did not want to set myself up for what could easily be the biggest fall of my life.
... to be continued in Part 4
That Chris Benoit incident stirs up a painful reminder, for those of us that suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss, it is painful to watch someone else take their children for granted. On one extreme you have watching the news and hearing about someone who has murdered their own children while on the other end, you may be out at the grocery store and you see a parent yelling at their children.
Guys, think about it like this - you long for the Ferrari you think you will never have. You can close your eyes and feel the wind blowing in your hair and the sound of the engine at red line before you shift. Then you see someone who has one that clearly doesn't give a damn about it - the car has scratches on it, the owner has let it get dirty or you see a picture of a car cruasher destroying one.
That's sort of how it feels to watch when a parent loses patience with their children in public, or hearing about a parent who murders his children. The envy for people who can have kids with the anger that someone would do something so heinous to what you can't have overwhelms and even now can bring me to tears.
Anyway, back to the Regional Fertility Program of Calgary (RFP). The appointment for the RFP did not take nearly as long as they said it did. I remember a few details leading up to our appointment. The anxiety was almost overwhelming for me. Finally, someone is actually going to do something. Someone is going to understand. We're going to know why this is happening and plan so we can make sure it doesn't happen to us again.
It took about 3 months - our first appointment at the clinic was an eye opener.
1) There is hope - the wall of the clinic is lined with photos of the babies that their patients have had.
2) This happens to a lot of people. The clinic was incredibly full. There were well over 10 couples in the clinic at the same time as us.
Aside from that, the first appointment was a let down for me. The waiting room and exam room had posters and brochures for IVF like it was the equivalent to GM's "employee pricing event". There were unattended children's toys, parenting magazines, pregnancy tests in a kiosk for sale, and a sign that said "ABUSE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED". Apparently, recurrent pregnancy loss people like us lose their patience and abuse the staff. I had mixed feelings about the environment - they were trying to give us a sense of hope, however they could also be giving false hope to some couples. It was a sobering thought.
We met with a nice doctor - one of the first questions I had was "Do you have children?" to which the doctor replied no. Well, there goes the 'someone finally cares' idea was how I felt.
The doctor really didn't tell us anything the internet had not already did - this happens to a lot of people, we're going to have to get blood tests, April would need more tests than me and they're going to need to do an SA. I had no idea what an SA was and it was quite clear. My wife leaned over and whispered "Sperm Analysis" to me. For anyone that knows me, they know my verbal filter is almost always set to ZERO. I remember saying "Awesome! I get to jerk off into a cup!" to which the doctor replied curtly, "yes".
We received our lab requisitions and made another appointment to come back, paid the ridiculous $10 parking and went home. At this point, I was hopeful but did not want to set myself up for what could easily be the biggest fall of my life.
... to be continued in Part 4
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