I really need to spend some time and make my blog look better. Some background and graphics... Sorry for not posting this a few months back, I wrote this and never submitted it (I started a new job that has confused my life...)
Having a child really changed my perspective on pregnancy loss. It was always there in the back of my mind - buried somewhere. If anything, it gave me a false sense of security.
Imagine this: You are in the wilderness and incredibly thirsty, thirsty like you've never been in your entire life. You have travelled a very long, dry, costly road and you have lost yourself along the way. Things have happened that have altered your perception of reality. You finally make it to some water and you drink it all. You are feeling pretty content and on top of the world. The journey you had, all but forgotten. Then you realize, damn't, you drank all the water and you have to do that exact same journey all over again.
I definitely took pregnancy loss for granted after we had our son Graham. I had pushed all the lost pregnancies to the back corner of my mind and focused on my new born son. A lot of things happened that caused me to not think about the losses we had. A few things were the sleep deprivation, working sleep deprived, sleep deprivation, remembering to eat, learning how to be a parent...zzz.
Speaking of learning to be a parent, to this day, I'm still amazed they let someone like me walk out of the hospital with the baby. I know there are people out there who were grossly under qualified compared to me yet they have kids and they turn out ok. It's still very exciting, and terrifying, when I think back to when we walked out of that hospital with Graham.
We didn't "try" for kids for a while. At least not in the way we were "trying" before. Well, yes, we still had sex (and it was even better than before!!!!!), but what I mean by not "trying" was we didn't chart, didn't try and time things, and didn't discuss the losses.
So when we my wife said she was pregnant again, I brushed the pregnancy loss part aside. We already had 1 and the universe was not going to do this to me again.
My wife went back to the routine with the Regional Fertility Clinic (the one in the Calgary Foothills Professional building). Call in to let them know you're pregnant, book an internal ultrasound, go for blood tests every other day, receive no phone call from them unless they think you should not be optimistic. To this day, I'm certain if we had said, "we want to consider IVF..." they would've climbed mountains to help us and provide support for us with our recurrent pregnancy loss. What support could they have provided us? I don' t know, I'm not the experts at this - they are and I wish I was given some options beyond IVF and plugging away. I felt as if I was just merely a number there (and I probably was) and an inconvenience to them. Visits were always so short and we were pushed thru like the next person in line at McDonalds. At least at McDonalds they ask if you would like fries.
A mere 3 weeks after my wife told me she was pregnant, we had lost another pregnancy (our 6th pregnancy, and 5th loss I believe). The feelings of despair, sadness and especially guilt (since it was me putting my wife thru this) was mixed in with the happiness and joy of having a son. I was a mess, a failure, and I still had no idea how to make things right. How could I have been so stupid and naive enough to let me slip into such a false sense of security that we could never go thru this again? I KNEW better. I'm an adult, and a parent - yet I somehow managed to not only hide those thoughts, when they did come up I convinced myself that it would not happen again. We have to deal with recurrent pregnancy loss, and it's my fault. Curses. I wish I had this blog at that time to fall back onto.
As a husband when your wife is sad, you want to make things right. However when it's your fault, what do you do? She wanted to have more kids (with me hopefully?), it was hurting her both emotionally and physically. In some ways even today as I write this, I still feel lost, confused and helpless. Support for this? Forget it. It's like you're on your own here until you snap (or deal with it by writing a blog)!
My son was too small at the time to knowingly hug his mom and tell her he loves her. I said to myself that when he got older, I will make sure he "randomly" gave her hugs and told her he loves her. So now (if she read this), she knows why I ask him to do it seemingly "randomly".
What did I do to cope? I gave my baby son lots of hugs, kisses, and told him I love him. It didn't make anything better, but it reminded me how lucky I really was. I know some of you out there who read this do not have that baby yet. As you have read my journey thus far, you all know that I realize how lucky I really am.
No comments:
Post a Comment