After one of our losses (to be honest, I don't recall which one), my wife had to have an ultrasound at the Foothills Medical Centre (FMC) to make sure the loss was 'clean'.
It was one of those cold, cloudy gloomy days where nothing good could happen. The waiting room looked kind of makeshift - they had cubical divider walls seperating the waiting room from the rest of the area. While we were waiting, I recall a woman either screaming or crying in the closed room, presumably one of the ultrasound rooms. It clearly wasn't a pleasant experience for her. The patients were not allowed to bring anyone in with them - my wife had to go in by herself. Needless to say I was concerned.
While she was in there, I decided to wander around the hospital. I was told it could be an hour or so. Well, she was done earlier than we thought and I had my phone off the whole team. Needless to say, she was FURIOUS as to where I had been for the last half hour. However, I was told everything was clear and we could continue. She did not have to do a D&C (I have no idea what that is but it sounded unpleasant).
Fast forward a few months. We were at my in laws place and my brother in law. He had a friend over who happened to be an Ultrasound tech in Calgary - I will call her H.
We relayed our experiences and our disatisfactions... what H said next reminded me of the woman who was crying (or screaming) in the ultrasound at the FMC and will always stick with me forever (and is actually the point of this post):
"One of the hardest things is to have a woman in that is pregnant, you tell her she is pregnant and she is clearly upset and does not want the baby. Immediately after, you will have another woman in and when told she is not pregnant and she immediately starts crying. I just wish I could take the baby from one woman and put it in the other. It isn't fair."
Friday, January 29, 2010
RPL - Part 5 Correction
My wife has corrected me. She's the one that asked if it was something we should consider, and IVF would be approx. $15k.
Either way, still a lot of money!
Either way, still a lot of money!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
RPL: A Father's Perspective (Part 5)
It's been about a week since I wrote something. I've been thinking about how to go over and explain our results from the blood tests. Sorry, this one might be a bit 'clinical'.
Up to our 4th loss, I had always assumed something was wrong with my wife. I couldn't help it - my wife's GP said to her "since you actually get pregnant, it can't be your husband".
One of the first tests they did was testing for thyroid antibodies. She tested positive for thyroid antibodies - how she dumbed it down for me was, "my immune system is stupid and is attacking my thyroid". The RFP was absolutely 100% convinced this was the problem. They immediately jumped on that and suggested my wife have her thyroid removed and go on medication.
I thought it was a bit drastic and sudden. In my line of work, I learned not to be impulsive and to consider things through. When you guys are shopping for your TV or a new car, no one likes being pushed / rushed into a big decision like that. This was quite a major decision and it felt to me like they were pushing it the same way a sleazy used car dealer would. I had this feeling that it was something else. However i'm not a doctor let along a fertility specialist (other than sex - not to toot my own horn but im good at that).
In the end, the RFP was wrong. It's amazing that I can I remember how what was going on that day (considering it was 3 years ago). They had actually faxed a copy of the blood tests. At work that day, I was researching a DSLR camera for my wife. She was looking at a Nikon camera so I did some research and got some special pricing for it. I knew she wanted to get into something to take her mind off of our losses. I had done the same, I had actually picked up a hobby/sport called Airsoft (I called it cowboys and indians for adults). When I got home and suggested we go out for dinner, she said to me - "I know why we are having problems. I don't think you'll want to go out for dinner".
The problem was with me. My throat felt like someone was squeezing it, my stomach felt all knotted up, and I just wanted to scream but couldnt even make the sound. We are not suffering from infertility, but I probably at that moment felt the same way as a guy who was infertile felt - helpless, useless. It is the most basic human desire to have kids - dare I say it, it's probably one of the reasons why most of us are here today. If I couldn't fulfil that need, then what good was I? Would my wife still love me? Would she decide to leave me for someone else? Well I'm a problem solver - so the #1 thing for me was find out all the information about this and how could I fix it?.
I quickly read through the letter - it was about karotyping. Basically after typing "karyotyping" into google, I found out they mapped the structure of my chromosomes.
I thought back to her GP. I was so mad at him for putting the blame completely on my wife when in fact it was me the whole time.
We had an appointment at a geneticist - in the same building as the RFP. The waiting room was a lot smaller and there were no people waiting. No sign that said 'abuse will not be tolerated' though I wasn't going to push it. Of all the doctor's and specialists i've met - this guy was different. He laid it out exactly how it was, no sugar coating, no pushing us to make decisions - just told it how it was. He was not cold about it and in fact was nice about it. We talked a bit about what we did for a living/where we lived etc.
It's a lot easier to understand what is going on when you're not on guard. After what the RFP was like, it always seemed like you were being put down or looked down on. At the geneicist the attitude in the office was actually quite positive (despite the bad news).
The problem with me: a reciprocal balanced translocation of chromosomes 3 and 11 (a very long arm on 3 and a shorter arm on 11). He gave me a good explanation with diagrams and it made perfect sense at the time. Putting it down on text now was difficult - here's how my wife explained it to me the other night :
My wife and I both had a book on how to build a human - 46 pages each (46 chromosomes). Sperm and egg only carry 23 pages and together, you combine the pages from each person to build a human with 46 chromosomes total. However my problem was a translocation of part of page 3 and 11. So basically, a large part of page 3, and a small part of page 11 were swapped.
With sperm (or egg), they only carry half of the chromomes (they're actually split in half). So depending on how the split happened of the 23 pages i'm delivering, my page 3 or page 11 may :
1) be missing significant amount of information. (50% of the time)
2) be completely normal (25% of the time)
3) have the information complete just parts of page 3 and 11 are in the wrong order (25% of the time)
3 is me. I have a complete page 3 and 11, just the text is in the wrong order. When it comes to making a human, apparently I fail 50% of the time, 25% of the time I get my instructions in the wrong order (but fortunately whoever is reading the instructions can figure it out) and 25% of the time I pass.
The geneticist explained that page 3 (the 3rd chromosone pair) is one of the largest and if any information was missing, you couldn't build a human.
That is why we had so many losses. It also explained why our losses were so early too - if a significant portion of 3 was missing, a pregnancy would not move beyond the cellular stage.
So what about the problem solver in me? I was completely helpless as it was happening at a genetic level. There is no treatment, no pills, no therapy - they can't change my DNA. Our chances of a baby were 50% of what every other normal couple's chances. It was a simple cold hard statistic. However, it gave me closure - I knew where we stood.
His suggestion to us (we did not go back to the RFP after this appointment):
1) IVF. They just implant a bunch of embryos and hope that some of them work. The downside, it costs and arm and a leg (can be easily over $20000 each time!!!!!!!!) and there were no guarantees that the sperm used from me wouldn't be the 'dumb missing information' sperm.
2) Keep on 'plugging away'. Statistically, we would eventually get a good pregnancy. The downside, we will lose more pregnancies and our situation will never change.
At that point in our lives, we chose option 2. Not only because financiallywe couldn't afford IVF, but sex is a lot more enjoyable than jerking into a cup / having a needle stuck into your ovaries.
Additionally, we looked at other options - first and foremost we decided adoption over IVF. I will elaborate on our trials and tribulations with that at another time. Needless to say though, unless you are adopting a ward of the state, adoption is not simply picking up a phone to some agency and them bringing a child to your door. You may be waiting forever and may never get a child through local adoption.
The story does not end here however... I once again tried to convince my wife to stop charting, stop 'trying' for kids and just let it happen. Well, she still charted. We could not get a pregnancy at all for about 4 months.
Finally, she gave up. I had a work trip and they sent me down to Scottsdale. I decided to bring my wife with me - to get away for a bit. We partied, she thought her period was coming on, we partied some more.
We got home on a Sunday night in November. When I got home, I went to the computer and was entering in notes from my work trip. My wife came down 10 minutes later - she put a pregnancy test infront of me. She was pregnant.
Up to our 4th loss, I had always assumed something was wrong with my wife. I couldn't help it - my wife's GP said to her "since you actually get pregnant, it can't be your husband".
One of the first tests they did was testing for thyroid antibodies. She tested positive for thyroid antibodies - how she dumbed it down for me was, "my immune system is stupid and is attacking my thyroid". The RFP was absolutely 100% convinced this was the problem. They immediately jumped on that and suggested my wife have her thyroid removed and go on medication.
I thought it was a bit drastic and sudden. In my line of work, I learned not to be impulsive and to consider things through. When you guys are shopping for your TV or a new car, no one likes being pushed / rushed into a big decision like that. This was quite a major decision and it felt to me like they were pushing it the same way a sleazy used car dealer would. I had this feeling that it was something else. However i'm not a doctor let along a fertility specialist (other than sex - not to toot my own horn but im good at that).
In the end, the RFP was wrong. It's amazing that I can I remember how what was going on that day (considering it was 3 years ago). They had actually faxed a copy of the blood tests. At work that day, I was researching a DSLR camera for my wife. She was looking at a Nikon camera so I did some research and got some special pricing for it. I knew she wanted to get into something to take her mind off of our losses. I had done the same, I had actually picked up a hobby/sport called Airsoft (I called it cowboys and indians for adults). When I got home and suggested we go out for dinner, she said to me - "I know why we are having problems. I don't think you'll want to go out for dinner".
The problem was with me. My throat felt like someone was squeezing it, my stomach felt all knotted up, and I just wanted to scream but couldnt even make the sound. We are not suffering from infertility, but I probably at that moment felt the same way as a guy who was infertile felt - helpless, useless. It is the most basic human desire to have kids - dare I say it, it's probably one of the reasons why most of us are here today. If I couldn't fulfil that need, then what good was I? Would my wife still love me? Would she decide to leave me for someone else? Well I'm a problem solver - so the #1 thing for me was find out all the information about this and how could I fix it?.
I quickly read through the letter - it was about karotyping. Basically after typing "karyotyping" into google, I found out they mapped the structure of my chromosomes.
I thought back to her GP. I was so mad at him for putting the blame completely on my wife when in fact it was me the whole time.
We had an appointment at a geneticist - in the same building as the RFP. The waiting room was a lot smaller and there were no people waiting. No sign that said 'abuse will not be tolerated' though I wasn't going to push it. Of all the doctor's and specialists i've met - this guy was different. He laid it out exactly how it was, no sugar coating, no pushing us to make decisions - just told it how it was. He was not cold about it and in fact was nice about it. We talked a bit about what we did for a living/where we lived etc.
It's a lot easier to understand what is going on when you're not on guard. After what the RFP was like, it always seemed like you were being put down or looked down on. At the geneicist the attitude in the office was actually quite positive (despite the bad news).
The problem with me: a reciprocal balanced translocation of chromosomes 3 and 11 (a very long arm on 3 and a shorter arm on 11). He gave me a good explanation with diagrams and it made perfect sense at the time. Putting it down on text now was difficult - here's how my wife explained it to me the other night :
My wife and I both had a book on how to build a human - 46 pages each (46 chromosomes). Sperm and egg only carry 23 pages and together, you combine the pages from each person to build a human with 46 chromosomes total. However my problem was a translocation of part of page 3 and 11. So basically, a large part of page 3, and a small part of page 11 were swapped.
With sperm (or egg), they only carry half of the chromomes (they're actually split in half). So depending on how the split happened of the 23 pages i'm delivering, my page 3 or page 11 may :
1) be missing significant amount of information. (50% of the time)
2) be completely normal (25% of the time)
3) have the information complete just parts of page 3 and 11 are in the wrong order (25% of the time)
3 is me. I have a complete page 3 and 11, just the text is in the wrong order. When it comes to making a human, apparently I fail 50% of the time, 25% of the time I get my instructions in the wrong order (but fortunately whoever is reading the instructions can figure it out) and 25% of the time I pass.
The geneticist explained that page 3 (the 3rd chromosone pair) is one of the largest and if any information was missing, you couldn't build a human.
That is why we had so many losses. It also explained why our losses were so early too - if a significant portion of 3 was missing, a pregnancy would not move beyond the cellular stage.
So what about the problem solver in me? I was completely helpless as it was happening at a genetic level. There is no treatment, no pills, no therapy - they can't change my DNA. Our chances of a baby were 50% of what every other normal couple's chances. It was a simple cold hard statistic. However, it gave me closure - I knew where we stood.
His suggestion to us (we did not go back to the RFP after this appointment):
1) IVF. They just implant a bunch of embryos and hope that some of them work. The downside, it costs and arm and a leg (can be easily over $20000 each time!!!!!!!!) and there were no guarantees that the sperm used from me wouldn't be the 'dumb missing information' sperm.
2) Keep on 'plugging away'. Statistically, we would eventually get a good pregnancy. The downside, we will lose more pregnancies and our situation will never change.
At that point in our lives, we chose option 2. Not only because financiallywe couldn't afford IVF, but sex is a lot more enjoyable than jerking into a cup / having a needle stuck into your ovaries.
Additionally, we looked at other options - first and foremost we decided adoption over IVF. I will elaborate on our trials and tribulations with that at another time. Needless to say though, unless you are adopting a ward of the state, adoption is not simply picking up a phone to some agency and them bringing a child to your door. You may be waiting forever and may never get a child through local adoption.
The story does not end here however... I once again tried to convince my wife to stop charting, stop 'trying' for kids and just let it happen. Well, she still charted. We could not get a pregnancy at all for about 4 months.
Finally, she gave up. I had a work trip and they sent me down to Scottsdale. I decided to bring my wife with me - to get away for a bit. We partied, she thought her period was coming on, we partied some more.
We got home on a Sunday night in November. When I got home, I went to the computer and was entering in notes from my work trip. My wife came down 10 minutes later - she put a pregnancy test infront of me. She was pregnant.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
RPL: A Father's Perspective (Part 4)
The 4th pregnancy is all kind of a blur to me. I don't want to say I was desensitized because I was not. Everyone talks about how our generation is getting desensitized to things. Seriously I can't blame people for saying that (ie: that video... about the girls... and the cup... yeah, I know you know about it). Jokes aside, pregnancy loss (even when they are just cells) is something that I've never gotten desensitized to. It was a huge hit to my pride.
What is the role of a husband and father to be? Too bad ladies, there is no such magic one-size-fits-all answer. It's different for everyone and it depends on the perspective. For me during that time, it was to provide support for my wife in whatever she did regardless of how I felt. With our recurrent loss, I always had to be the strong husband for her, show no weakness and had to carefully deflect questions.
The hardest were questions from friends and family who didn't know about our loss. The hardest question for my wife to answer was "When are you having children?". C'mon, I had to be nice to friends and family. Regardless of how I felt, no one was intending to be hurtful and malicious.
I would answer for her so she didn't have to be fake about it, "We're enjoying being married first before we have children". For all my friends and family who I said that to - I'm sorry. My wife absolutely hates lying to people so I had to do it for her.
I do recall at least once I said, "well, we've lost 2 pregnancies - thanks for asking". Naturally, my response made that person feel like a complete douche for asking (if you're reading this - sorry). To me, that question is now in the 'taboo' list along with "How many months pregnant are you?" (you said this and you know who you are!!)
Of course, no one can handle that responsibility indefinately. Guys, there are certain things you can handle better than other things. For example, some guys can deal with people who cut them off on the road better than others. Yep, some of us road rage and some of us are the ones that cause the road rage. The recurrent pregnancy loss was my road rage.
This is the hard part for me to admit - especially since I know that my friends and family may be reading this. I was starting to become negative in day to day things. I was more irritable, had a short fuse, and I stopped taking care of myself. By that I meant I was not eating right, I slept poorly, I was eating less meals a day at irregular times, and I found myself drinking a lot. I got into a huge fight with my wife - the only one we've ever had that I would dare say put us close to seperating. The lightbulb came on in my head - I was suffering from depression. That however is another topic which I will save for another time. To continue on...
We lost that pregnancy on Mothers Day 2007. It was quite easily the worst Mother's Day for my wife. Once again, around my birthday. Birthday's haven't been quite the same for me. It's hard to celebrate my life considering that we lost 2 around my birthday.
Next update: some results of the blood tests and a reason why we lost so many pregnancies (maybe... I might put another small blurb in between first)
What is the role of a husband and father to be? Too bad ladies, there is no such magic one-size-fits-all answer. It's different for everyone and it depends on the perspective. For me during that time, it was to provide support for my wife in whatever she did regardless of how I felt. With our recurrent loss, I always had to be the strong husband for her, show no weakness and had to carefully deflect questions.
The hardest were questions from friends and family who didn't know about our loss. The hardest question for my wife to answer was "When are you having children?". C'mon, I had to be nice to friends and family. Regardless of how I felt, no one was intending to be hurtful and malicious.
I would answer for her so she didn't have to be fake about it, "We're enjoying being married first before we have children". For all my friends and family who I said that to - I'm sorry. My wife absolutely hates lying to people so I had to do it for her.
I do recall at least once I said, "well, we've lost 2 pregnancies - thanks for asking". Naturally, my response made that person feel like a complete douche for asking (if you're reading this - sorry). To me, that question is now in the 'taboo' list along with "How many months pregnant are you?" (you said this and you know who you are!!)
Of course, no one can handle that responsibility indefinately. Guys, there are certain things you can handle better than other things. For example, some guys can deal with people who cut them off on the road better than others. Yep, some of us road rage and some of us are the ones that cause the road rage. The recurrent pregnancy loss was my road rage.
This is the hard part for me to admit - especially since I know that my friends and family may be reading this. I was starting to become negative in day to day things. I was more irritable, had a short fuse, and I stopped taking care of myself. By that I meant I was not eating right, I slept poorly, I was eating less meals a day at irregular times, and I found myself drinking a lot. I got into a huge fight with my wife - the only one we've ever had that I would dare say put us close to seperating. The lightbulb came on in my head - I was suffering from depression. That however is another topic which I will save for another time. To continue on...
I don't recall all the tests we had to do - my wife had a whole bunch of tests she had to do. I had only a single blood test. I know I know, I had talked about an SA (jerking into a cup as I called it), but alas, I never did get that test.
My wife had been charting her cycles - planning around what days we should "baby dance". Apparently, that's her wedding forum's term for sex. Personally, I felt like all the planning and pregnancy tests kind of took away from the experience - not to mention "baby dance" sounded like a video that should be on America's Funniest Home Videos. Not saying it wasn't enjoyable, but the planning had made sex more like a chore. Still, no red blooded straight guy is going to turn down sex from his hot wife!
I found the best way to not make it feel like a chore was to not ask. I never asked what months we'd be trying. I only 'guessed' when I'd get laid a lot - I mean a LOT in the span of a week. There were days when I had a headache...
I had asked my wife not to chart before the 4th pregnancy, but she did anyway. She found out she was pregnant around the first week in May 2007. This one was different for us - we had some hope since we've been to the clinic. My wife did blood tests every few days to monitor HCG levels. Again, I had no idea what an HCG was. Back then I had not discovered wikipedia. I still have no idea what an HCG beta is today, however I learned that for a normal pregnancy, HCG levels are supposed to double every 48-72 hrs.
Blood test, wait a few days for the HCG levels, call the RFP to remind them you still want them, blood test, wait a few more days for HCG levels, call the RFP to remind them you still want them. Lather, rinse, repeat as required. Hope the RFP doesn't call you early because that usually means bad news
We lost that pregnancy on Mothers Day 2007. It was quite easily the worst Mother's Day for my wife. Once again, around my birthday. Birthday's haven't been quite the same for me. It's hard to celebrate my life considering that we lost 2 around my birthday.
Next update: some results of the blood tests and a reason why we lost so many pregnancies (maybe... I might put another small blurb in between first)
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Comment From Reader
I'm still working on Part 4 of my experience and hopefully will post it tomorrow. What surprised me about this blog was when I started receiving comments from people about what they had gone through and their experiences.
Talking about loss does not change or diminish the losses we've had - it helps us grieve and renews hope.
The individual will remain annoymous to respect privacy. I would like to thank this person for giving me permission to post it.
Thank you so much for posting this up. I know I'm not a dad and I would never understand what you have been through. Your story reminded me of my cousin. I keep on telling my newly married friends to not take things for granted.
My Cousin has been married for years and been trying for a long time. It just didn't work out. She went IVF. She went from working a great job to changing in becoming a retail office manager just so she can take the time off to go to the clinics to get IVF done. We're not talking about once, twice ...
Their family went through years of IVF, to a point where the husband sold his company to finance IVF. It's how much he loved his wife.
For a good 8+ years with no results, she just couldn't bear it no more. Having a women sit in those hospital 'aprons' and having to walk on the cold tiles was something she could never forget.
They finally gave up after 8+ years. Next thing you know, the firstborn of her baby girl was born. Followed by a boy and now her 3rd child just turned 2. She's turning 40 this year.
Thank you for posting up your stories, it's a huge wake up call for a lot of those out there who takes this baby thing for granted.
Talking about loss does not change or diminish the losses we've had - it helps us grieve and renews hope.
The individual will remain annoymous to respect privacy. I would like to thank this person for giving me permission to post it.
Thank you so much for posting this up. I know I'm not a dad and I would never understand what you have been through. Your story reminded me of my cousin. I keep on telling my newly married friends to not take things for granted.
My Cousin has been married for years and been trying for a long time. It just didn't work out. She went IVF. She went from working a great job to changing in becoming a retail office manager just so she can take the time off to go to the clinics to get IVF done. We're not talking about once, twice ...
Their family went through years of IVF, to a point where the husband sold his company to finance IVF. It's how much he loved his wife.
For a good 8+ years with no results, she just couldn't bear it no more. Having a women sit in those hospital 'aprons' and having to walk on the cold tiles was something she could never forget.
They finally gave up after 8+ years. Next thing you know, the firstborn of her baby girl was born. Followed by a boy and now her 3rd child just turned 2. She's turning 40 this year.
Thank you for posting up your stories, it's a huge wake up call for a lot of those out there who takes this baby thing for granted.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
A Parent Without Children
I opened up the commenting to anyone who wants to comment annonymously - I'll be moderating the comments though.
Before I write Part 4 - I wanted to talk about what it was like living as a parent but without children.
Around the time we lost our first pregnancy, we started living like parents. I can't explain why it happened - but I started doing things like going to bed earlier, coming straight home after work, hanging out with couples that had children, stopped going out to the bar, having a stable career, steady income, and just general long term planning. I even bought RRSPs!
However at the end of a work day, I came home to my wife and no one else. No son or daughter greeting me at the door, no child to tattle to me about what mom made them do - it was just my wife and I. Our home was a small 900sq ft home which was crowded with lots of Ikea furniture. To me though, it had never felt so empty.
I found that on some days, I could close my eyes and imagine teaching my son how to ride a bicycle, putting a band-aid on his leg when he fell or walking my daughter down the aisle at her wedding. I could even imagine the not so pretty moments, stepping on toys, yelling at my kids in the car to stop fighting (or i'd threaten to leave them on the side of the road - an empty threat of course), my son or daughter telling me that I had "ruined their life" and of course, intimidating the first boy my daughter brought home.
Reality was far from those daydreams. First of all, I'm not very intimidating (even the asian gangster stereotype would not apply to me). Secondly, the part that still brings back painful memories of those times, I had no living children.
There were moments where I tried to break the cycle. I bought the car I had wanted - a Subaru WRX STI. For those who have no idea what it is - it is a complete rice rocket. From the factory, it had a giant wing on the back, a big hood scoop and absolutely everything about it said "boy racer with no children".
However, I could never recover that innocence I had before losing our first pregnancy. Eventually, I decided I didn't want the car anymore because it didn't fit who I had become. I wanted to sell it and get something that I could start a family with. I traded it in my boy racer car for a crew cab pickup truck. Yes, I am not joking. I was an asian driver in a pickup truck. I'll throw it out there for those that are thinking it but afraid to say it : asian + pickup truck = the only way this combination could get worse is adding the word "old" infront of it.
I was back to preparing for a family - trying to ignore the cruel fact that we may never have our own children.
Most men in their late teens will say they never want to have their own children - ever. I'm sure I said that at some point. After our second loss, I envied the men for whom that choice can be easily changed.
When I was in my late teens, I read a column about surviving the loss of your child. These words stood out for me: No parent wants to outlive their child.
By the time my wife and I had our first appointment at the RFP, I had outlived 3 of mine.
Before I write Part 4 - I wanted to talk about what it was like living as a parent but without children.
Around the time we lost our first pregnancy, we started living like parents. I can't explain why it happened - but I started doing things like going to bed earlier, coming straight home after work, hanging out with couples that had children, stopped going out to the bar, having a stable career, steady income, and just general long term planning. I even bought RRSPs!
However at the end of a work day, I came home to my wife and no one else. No son or daughter greeting me at the door, no child to tattle to me about what mom made them do - it was just my wife and I. Our home was a small 900sq ft home which was crowded with lots of Ikea furniture. To me though, it had never felt so empty.
I found that on some days, I could close my eyes and imagine teaching my son how to ride a bicycle, putting a band-aid on his leg when he fell or walking my daughter down the aisle at her wedding. I could even imagine the not so pretty moments, stepping on toys, yelling at my kids in the car to stop fighting (or i'd threaten to leave them on the side of the road - an empty threat of course), my son or daughter telling me that I had "ruined their life" and of course, intimidating the first boy my daughter brought home.
Reality was far from those daydreams. First of all, I'm not very intimidating (even the asian gangster stereotype would not apply to me). Secondly, the part that still brings back painful memories of those times, I had no living children.
There were moments where I tried to break the cycle. I bought the car I had wanted - a Subaru WRX STI. For those who have no idea what it is - it is a complete rice rocket. From the factory, it had a giant wing on the back, a big hood scoop and absolutely everything about it said "boy racer with no children".
However, I could never recover that innocence I had before losing our first pregnancy. Eventually, I decided I didn't want the car anymore because it didn't fit who I had become. I wanted to sell it and get something that I could start a family with. I traded it in my boy racer car for a crew cab pickup truck. Yes, I am not joking. I was an asian driver in a pickup truck. I'll throw it out there for those that are thinking it but afraid to say it : asian + pickup truck = the only way this combination could get worse is adding the word "old" infront of it.
I was back to preparing for a family - trying to ignore the cruel fact that we may never have our own children.
Most men in their late teens will say they never want to have their own children - ever. I'm sure I said that at some point. After our second loss, I envied the men for whom that choice can be easily changed.
When I was in my late teens, I read a column about surviving the loss of your child. These words stood out for me: No parent wants to outlive their child.
By the time my wife and I had our first appointment at the RFP, I had outlived 3 of mine.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Progesterone and Peanuts!!
This is a humourous incident... again, my verbal filter was set quite low.
My wife was prescribed progesterone suppositories during our 4th pregnancy - the RFP faxed the prescription over to the drug store of our choice. On our way to the drug store I asked my wife, "A suppository? How does sticking this thing up your butt help?" to which she laughed and replied, "No dear, it's not that kind of suppository. They go in the 'other hole'".
We got to the drug store - the pharmacist was a younger east Indian male. We lived in a predominantly east Indian community in Calgary at this time. He spoke with the typical east Indian accent you would expect.
He took our information, looked at the prescription and asked my wife, "Are you alergic to penis?" My reply, after giggling like a school girl for a minute, "Excuse me? I'm pretty sure we don't have that problem".
Before you ladies and gents judge me, remember that I knew nothing about this. Maybe there really was a penis alergy and that's why some couples can't conceive?
Just like at the clinic, my wife leaned over and whispered to me, "Peanuts."
My wife was prescribed progesterone suppositories during our 4th pregnancy - the RFP faxed the prescription over to the drug store of our choice. On our way to the drug store I asked my wife, "A suppository? How does sticking this thing up your butt help?" to which she laughed and replied, "No dear, it's not that kind of suppository. They go in the 'other hole'".
We got to the drug store - the pharmacist was a younger east Indian male. We lived in a predominantly east Indian community in Calgary at this time. He spoke with the typical east Indian accent you would expect.
He took our information, looked at the prescription and asked my wife, "Are you alergic to penis?" My reply, after giggling like a school girl for a minute, "Excuse me? I'm pretty sure we don't have that problem".
Before you ladies and gents judge me, remember that I knew nothing about this. Maybe there really was a penis alergy and that's why some couples can't conceive?
Just like at the clinic, my wife leaned over and whispered to me, "Peanuts."
RPL - A Father's Experience (Part 3)
So now, we're into my experiences from 2007. Most of us remember events like - the Writers Guild Strike, death of Boris Yelstin, Calgary Flames not making it passed round 1 of the playoffs, and Chris Benoit killing his family. To me, the start of the year was with a painful reminder - the due date for our first pregnancy was Jan 1, 2007.
That Chris Benoit incident stirs up a painful reminder, for those of us that suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss, it is painful to watch someone else take their children for granted. On one extreme you have watching the news and hearing about someone who has murdered their own children while on the other end, you may be out at the grocery store and you see a parent yelling at their children.
Guys, think about it like this - you long for the Ferrari you think you will never have. You can close your eyes and feel the wind blowing in your hair and the sound of the engine at red line before you shift. Then you see someone who has one that clearly doesn't give a damn about it - the car has scratches on it, the owner has let it get dirty or you see a picture of a car cruasher destroying one.
That's sort of how it feels to watch when a parent loses patience with their children in public, or hearing about a parent who murders his children. The envy for people who can have kids with the anger that someone would do something so heinous to what you can't have overwhelms and even now can bring me to tears.
Anyway, back to the Regional Fertility Program of Calgary (RFP). The appointment for the RFP did not take nearly as long as they said it did. I remember a few details leading up to our appointment. The anxiety was almost overwhelming for me. Finally, someone is actually going to do something. Someone is going to understand. We're going to know why this is happening and plan so we can make sure it doesn't happen to us again.
It took about 3 months - our first appointment at the clinic was an eye opener.
1) There is hope - the wall of the clinic is lined with photos of the babies that their patients have had.
2) This happens to a lot of people. The clinic was incredibly full. There were well over 10 couples in the clinic at the same time as us.
Aside from that, the first appointment was a let down for me. The waiting room and exam room had posters and brochures for IVF like it was the equivalent to GM's "employee pricing event". There were unattended children's toys, parenting magazines, pregnancy tests in a kiosk for sale, and a sign that said "ABUSE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED". Apparently, recurrent pregnancy loss people like us lose their patience and abuse the staff. I had mixed feelings about the environment - they were trying to give us a sense of hope, however they could also be giving false hope to some couples. It was a sobering thought.
We met with a nice doctor - one of the first questions I had was "Do you have children?" to which the doctor replied no. Well, there goes the 'someone finally cares' idea was how I felt.
The doctor really didn't tell us anything the internet had not already did - this happens to a lot of people, we're going to have to get blood tests, April would need more tests than me and they're going to need to do an SA. I had no idea what an SA was and it was quite clear. My wife leaned over and whispered "Sperm Analysis" to me. For anyone that knows me, they know my verbal filter is almost always set to ZERO. I remember saying "Awesome! I get to jerk off into a cup!" to which the doctor replied curtly, "yes".
We received our lab requisitions and made another appointment to come back, paid the ridiculous $10 parking and went home. At this point, I was hopeful but did not want to set myself up for what could easily be the biggest fall of my life.
... to be continued in Part 4
That Chris Benoit incident stirs up a painful reminder, for those of us that suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss, it is painful to watch someone else take their children for granted. On one extreme you have watching the news and hearing about someone who has murdered their own children while on the other end, you may be out at the grocery store and you see a parent yelling at their children.
Guys, think about it like this - you long for the Ferrari you think you will never have. You can close your eyes and feel the wind blowing in your hair and the sound of the engine at red line before you shift. Then you see someone who has one that clearly doesn't give a damn about it - the car has scratches on it, the owner has let it get dirty or you see a picture of a car cruasher destroying one.
That's sort of how it feels to watch when a parent loses patience with their children in public, or hearing about a parent who murders his children. The envy for people who can have kids with the anger that someone would do something so heinous to what you can't have overwhelms and even now can bring me to tears.
Anyway, back to the Regional Fertility Program of Calgary (RFP). The appointment for the RFP did not take nearly as long as they said it did. I remember a few details leading up to our appointment. The anxiety was almost overwhelming for me. Finally, someone is actually going to do something. Someone is going to understand. We're going to know why this is happening and plan so we can make sure it doesn't happen to us again.
It took about 3 months - our first appointment at the clinic was an eye opener.
1) There is hope - the wall of the clinic is lined with photos of the babies that their patients have had.
2) This happens to a lot of people. The clinic was incredibly full. There were well over 10 couples in the clinic at the same time as us.
Aside from that, the first appointment was a let down for me. The waiting room and exam room had posters and brochures for IVF like it was the equivalent to GM's "employee pricing event". There were unattended children's toys, parenting magazines, pregnancy tests in a kiosk for sale, and a sign that said "ABUSE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED". Apparently, recurrent pregnancy loss people like us lose their patience and abuse the staff. I had mixed feelings about the environment - they were trying to give us a sense of hope, however they could also be giving false hope to some couples. It was a sobering thought.
We met with a nice doctor - one of the first questions I had was "Do you have children?" to which the doctor replied no. Well, there goes the 'someone finally cares' idea was how I felt.
The doctor really didn't tell us anything the internet had not already did - this happens to a lot of people, we're going to have to get blood tests, April would need more tests than me and they're going to need to do an SA. I had no idea what an SA was and it was quite clear. My wife leaned over and whispered "Sperm Analysis" to me. For anyone that knows me, they know my verbal filter is almost always set to ZERO. I remember saying "Awesome! I get to jerk off into a cup!" to which the doctor replied curtly, "yes".
We received our lab requisitions and made another appointment to come back, paid the ridiculous $10 parking and went home. At this point, I was hopeful but did not want to set myself up for what could easily be the biggest fall of my life.
... to be continued in Part 4
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